House Bill Would Criminalize Self-Pleasuring

Two prominent radical right wing Republicans,who for the shame of what they are trying to do shall remain nameless …. until the mainstream media catches wind of their foul but most Chreestchun scheme — have introduced a bill that would criminalize the act of Male self-pleasuring (Among other things) if it should become law.

So far, it has been reported, more than 90 percent of Right Wingers in both Houses of Congress have given interim approval to the unique concepts contained in the proposed legislation. A spokes person for the initiators of the bill has reportedly indicated that this bill has a very good chance of passing both Houses without a hitch.

Male self-manipulation for sexual pleasure is the primary target of the proposal but is not every target as I shall explain in a few minutes.

The argument is that physical act releases helpless living sperm into the air or onto the ground or some other inhospitable surface, where they die. By reasoning of the legislation that is being proposed, this situation is contraceptive in nature and is, therefore, birth control of the most egregious kind.

So far, the White House has been silent about this proposal.

The proposed bill does not stop there. It goes on to other things as well:

Part of the Bill under draft at this point contains a requirement that every American male of reproductive age must undergo semi-annual medical testing and a compulsory polygraph examination to try to determine if they have been breaking the law concerning the act of self abuse, as it were.

When asked if that kind of stipulation would run afoul of the 14th amendment, one Right Wing big wig responded, “Do not worry about privacy concerns connected to the 14th amendment because if the GOP prevails in the presidential election of 2024, that worry will soon be a non-starter. The privacy argument will be overcome by the concept of ‘What is best to secure the security and safety of The United States” according to the latest ruling on Rower vs Wade by the Supreme Court. If conditions prove favorable for a new GOP administration in 2024 individual rights to privacy will be subordinated to what the government deems to be the best interests of the country.”

It is reported that the new bill also makes provision for monetary rewards to be given to any person who turns in the name or names of anybody violating the prohibition on any form of birth control, so the bill, as written, will provide for a significant amount of citizen-policing. So if person “A” has knowledge that person “B” has violated the law, then person “A” can be paid a substantial some of money on conviction as a reward for their patriotism and their due diligence.

Part of the strength of this proposed bill, according to those charged with the task of drafting it, is based on recent reports from the Medical Scientists at a well-known and very large teaching hospital and research laboratory that in recent experiments, it has been proven that spermatozoa themselves have a beating heart that can be detected through high grade audiometry — and that the sperm, all by itself, is already a living being.

This announcement has already sent shock waves through many people who have some influence with the leadership of the Democrats and some high-placed, but unnamed officials have declared the whole concept of the bill as “Egregious” and fundamentally destructive of every Constitutional human right.

The fight goes on.

10 thoughts on “House Bill Would Criminalize Self-Pleasuring

    • Thanks for the heads up on the typo — I think a big phallic monument needs to be erected IN MEMORY of the GOP administration.

      • Dear John,

        You are welcome. In my latest post entitled “🏛️⚖️ The Facile and Labile Nature of Law: Beyond the Supreme Court and Its Ruling on Controversial Matters 🗽🗳️🔫🤰🧑‍🤝‍🧑💉“, I have finally found the time to respond to your comment with a long, bespoke reply. Please enjoy!

        Yours sincerely,

  1. Is this serious? If so, what happen to privacy? Every time you jerk off hold a funeral service….with booze. chuq

    • The piece is, in its entirety, Satire. I am going to write a lot of satire from time to time to change the pace of things. It is marked in blue at the bottom of the piece near where it asks for comments.

      • I saw that it was after I commented…..but think about it….if GOPers whack off then there is the chance of eliminating a bunch of right wingers….just saying….good satire John chuq

        • I agree with you completely, Chuq, but I am wondering if there are any GOPers who have the balls to properly whack with. They are short on brain matter so I am sure they are short on manhood too … they all act like a bunch of enraged prehistoric pussies, if you want my true opinion about their useless asses. But I am always on board with the concept, “Less of them, more of us.” So if they can contrive the mechanism to enable their own shortage, then they get my undying gratitude — but never my confidence and definitely never my vote.

  2. I am hoping this is a nice chunk of sarcasm, John. But if true, I would love to see how it could ever be policed. 🙂
    Best wishes, Pete.

    • It would be policed by the oath keepers and the proud boys who would, by that time, have been anointed as the personal army of the President and agents of the rogue congress.

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