Everyone should know that if you have not been good Santa Claus will leave you a lump of coal for Christmas instead of cookies and candy. That is the traditional tale. So if that is true, then why was the freezing little Russian boy in Siberia so filled with joy when he got his lump of coal? Can you tell me that?
Junior and Howard are at the dog pound looking
for a hunting dog for Howard.
Junior points at one cage and says, “Howard,
look at that dog with one eye!”
Howard covers one of his eyes and says,
I am about to suggest something that will save the average American a whole lot of money over a working lifetime.
Here is my suggestion:
It has been reported that America is now trending toward smaller families.
Since that is the case now, my suggestion is that the ideal family from now on will be one man married to one woman and a dog (Or cat) as tastes go. No kids to suck up the usual Two Hundred Thousand dollars it takes to raise one these days.
A few years ago when my wife of 33 years (Now deceased) was asked by a friend, “What is the most bizarre gift your husband ever gave you?” my dearly beloved scratched her chin, thought for a moment and replied, “Himself.”
Question: “How much legal protection should journalists have?”
Answer: “It all depends on how sexually active the journalists are.”
Question: “What would you do if you were to win a million dollars?”
Answer: “I would add it to my other millions of dollars in a respectable account under the control of a well-reputed Certified Financial Planner.”
To hell with world peace … I want a puppy!
If you want to increase the level of your consciousness then you need to stop reading and writing about things that destroy brain cells. Smoking marijuana destroys brain cells. Paying attention to the conspiracy theories of the radical Republicans not only destroys brain cells but it can make a person impotent too over a period of time. This explains the ineptness of most Republicans who are either in the office or who are candidates for office. Right-wing radicals are incapable of original thought. All they can do is parrot what their own kind have told them.
I was totally offended by the suggestion that my younger brother was a homosexual until I calmed down a little bit and remembered that I do not have a brother.
I was fertilizing my field of strawberries … the field next door to the mental institution …when an inmate at the nuthouse who had been leaning on a fence called out to me and asked, “What are you doing?”
I told the inmate, “I am putting horse manure on my strawberries.”
The inmate replied, “We put whipped cream on ours.”
The spa attendant applied the cleaning mask to the customer’s ass and all those who were standing around observing the procedure gave a sigh of relief … in perfect unison.
Being serious for a minute now, I am going to the eye doctor again tomorrow to have my vision tested and to see if my glaucoma is still under control.