Adventitious Flukyness

Everyone should know that if you have not been good Santa Claus will leave you a lump of coal for Christmas instead of cookies and candy.  That is the traditional tale.  So if that is true, then why was the freezing little Russian boy in Siberia so filled with joy when he got his lump of coal?  Can you tell me that?

Junior and Howard are at the dog pound looking
for a hunting dog for Howard.
Junior points at one cage and says, “Howard,
look at that dog with one eye!”
Howard covers one of his eyes and says,
“Where?

I am about to suggest something that will save the average American a whole lot of money over a working lifetime.

Here is my suggestion:

It has been reported that America is now trending toward smaller families.

Since that is the case now, my suggestion is that the ideal family from now on will be one man married to one woman and a dog (Or cat) as tastes go. No kids to suck up the usual Two Hundred Thousand dollars it takes to raise one these days.

A few years ago when my wife of 33 years (Now deceased) was asked by a friend, “What is the most bizarre gift your husband ever gave you?” my dearly beloved scratched her chin, thought for a moment and replied, “Himself.”

Question:  “How much legal protection should journalists have?”
Answer:  “It all depends on how sexually active the journalists are.”

Question: “What would you do if you were to win a million dollars?”
Answer:  “I would add it to my other millions of dollars in a respectable account under the control of a well-reputed Certified Financial Planner.”

To hell with world peace … I want a puppy!

If you want to increase the level of your consciousness then you need to stop reading and writing about things that destroy brain cells.  Smoking marijuana destroys brain cells.  Paying attention to the conspiracy theories of the radical Republicans not only destroys brain cells but it can make a person impotent too over a period of time.  This explains the ineptness of most Republicans who are either in the office or who are candidates for office.  Right-wing radicals are incapable of original thought.  All they can do is parrot what their own kind have told them.

I was totally offended by the suggestion that my younger brother was a homosexual until I calmed down a little bit and remembered that I do not have a brother.

I was fertilizing my field of strawberries … the field next door to the mental institution …when an inmate at the nuthouse who had been leaning on a fence called out to me and asked, “What are you doing?”

I told the inmate, “I am putting horse manure on my strawberries.”

The inmate replied, “We put whipped cream on ours.”

The spa attendant applied the cleaning mask to the customer’s ass and all those who were standing around observing the procedure gave a sigh of relief … in perfect unison.

Being serious for a minute now, I am going to the eye doctor again tomorrow to have my vision tested and to see if my glaucoma is still under control.

 

Things I’ve Never Thunk Before

Free photos of Goldfish

I thought I could help my pet goldfish get into better physical shape by buying him a little bicycle but, for some odd reason, it never worked out.  I spent the money on the bike, but the poor little thing could never learn to ride it.  But he did begin to sing perfect operatic auras until the day he held a high “C” note too long and drowned himself.

Kind of reminds me of the time I was visiting a girl’s gym class outdoors.  It was a hot day in August and everyone was sweating profusely.

The coach handed one of the girls a brand new kind of sunscreen lotion to try.  She put the lotion all over her exposed skin hoping for some protection from the Sun’s intense rays. But in a few minutes, after the girl had applied the lotion, her skin began to turn dark red and to smoke.  The girl screamed as the skin where she had applied the lotion turned black and began to peel.  She screamed even louder when her skin burst into flame and within a very few minutes, she was nothing but a pile of smoking ashes.

Do I need to tell you that nobody else in that gym class tried the new lotion for themselves?

I went to a special showing of paintings at a local gallery one Wednesday afternoon.

One of the paintings on display in the gallery was of several monkeys, all of them waving long bamboo sticks in the air.

The title of the picture was, “Radical Republicans Waving Sticks In The Air Because That Is All They Know How To Do.”

One day, not too long ago, I tried an experiment.  I coated my entire body with vegetable oil,  It was so slick that I could barely stand on my feet or hang onto anything with my hands.

I sat right down and wrote a letter to Donald Trump in which I said, “Dear Mr. Trump, try coating yourself with vegetable oil.  If you do, I am sure you will discover, as I have, that you can squeeze out of most anything.”

I though that I should try my hand at writing a poem.  So here we go:

“I have no trouble blowing my nose,
But I never could whistle through my toes.”

 

The Fat Baker And The Little Mouse

Free photos of Animal

There was once a fat baker who had found himself in prison after poisoning several of his customers with poison-laced pecan rolls.

While imprisoned, serving a life sentence, the baker was charged with baking all the sweets for the prisoners but under the strictest of supervision.

Strict supervision would be a “Given” in this case, given the baker’s predispositions.

So whenever the baker baked, someone was there to keep an eye on his every move.

One day as the baker was baking, a little mouse appeared in one corner of the baker’s cell.

The mouse looked up at the baker with pleading eyes and a few enticing wiggles of his little whiskers.

The baker threw the little mouse a few tidbits of freshly baked doughnuts.

After a while, the little mouse began to make daily visits to beg for crumbs from the baker.

In the meantime, the baker, who was always chained to his cell door by a long leash, got fatter and fatter from eating too much of his own products, fresh from the oven.

The little mouse began to get fatter and fatter too because of the baker’s kindness in feeding him crumbs.

The fat baker and the fat mouse had struck a stunningly affectionate relation ship that lasted for years.

One day, the baker noticed that the little mouse had died and was lying peacefully in the corner of his cell.

Grasping the little mouse lovingly in his hands, the fat baker began to cry copious tears, all the while pleading, “Don’t leave me!  Oh God, please don’t leave me!”

The next day as the prison guards came to the baker’s cell for their daily prisoner check, they noticed that the baker had died also.

The baker lay dead in the corner of his cell with the little mouse asleep for all eternity by his side.

Random Thoughts While In The Deserts of Ampurdan

Feeling the rug mixing with my toes,

Sensing the inhaler clearing my nose,

Scratching the itch in my ass,

Remembering not to pick my nose with that finger,

Until I wash it.

Growing old but not feeling it much,

Still mostly sane, a little out of touch.

My brain makes music all by itself,

Pleasing tunes not found on a shelf,

Things conjured inside of myself,

Music to think by, sleep by, fart by.

Flashes of my own genius fly,

Bounce against the wall,

Return to crash into my eye.

My eye that sees things,

That others rarely ever see,

Things meaningless to everybody,

Except for me.

Is there no end to this?

Little Jack Horner,

Sat in a corner,

Eating a cherry pie,

Stuck in his thumb,

Pulled out a plum,

And said,

That ain’t no f***ing cherry!