I was sitting here thinking, “What can I write?” Then it occurred to me just to start writing and hope the old brain kicks in with something that might catch someone’s attention. I have done that before. It has worked before.
It sometimes seems to me like I have lost a few billion brain cells in the last few years. I guess everybody loses brain cells as they get a little older. In fact, I think we start dying the minute we are born. I know that is an uncomfortable thought for some people, but it is a fact. I used to joke about it. I would say things like, “If you breathe too much fresh air for too long a time, it will eventually kill you.”
I like to experiment with the thought process. For example, I could ask the question, “Are headphones more effective if they are attached to the ass instead of being worn over the ears?” Have you ever heard that one before? I will assume that you have not heard that one before because it is possible that you have never encountered such an intellect as mine before. I am very creative if nothing else. I can imagine things that other people would not dare imagine. Maybe you, yourself, have had such experiences from time to time … times when you are absolutely exponentially brilliant and you are fully aware of it.
It is at times like these that it is entirely possible to achieve for yourself a most powerful and memorable intellectually-driven bio-physical euphoric intoxication far surpassing the strength of an orgasm, and you can almost fold in on yourself and suck the surrounding universe inward, reversing the flow of creativity to your own advantage.
If you have ever accidentally pricked the inside of your nose while picking it with a small pocket knife, you will know what I am talking about. It is somewhat more pleasing to the senses than the simple act of smashing a banana between your knees, I will tell you that.
I knew a guy once who, during the process of a rather strong sexual release, caused his left eye to bulge so badly that it actually popped out of his head and dangled from the optic nerve, swinging back and forth against his chest merrily. In one such episode, this same individual also blew one of his eardrums out of his ear, and it had to be replaced surgically. His name was Sammy. His sister’s name was Kathryn and her pigtails were soaked in ink …and his dog’s name was “Tag.” Sammy had a very strange family. All the members of Sammy’s family, except for his sister, Kathryn, were named after each other. This created a nightmare for census takers.
Another acquaintance of mine spent years picking scabs off healed sores on his arms and legs and saving them in a jar with a lid on it. When he had the jar of scabs half filled, he began a new hobby of attempting to guess the number of scabs in the jar. Once he became proficient at guessing the number of scabs in his jar, he entered a contest to guess the number of dried kidney beans in another jar in the window of a small grocery store. He won that contest and was awarded the prize. The prize was a small unborn cow, which was preserved in another jar filled with alcohol. He kept that on the mantle at his home near the ashes of his deceased uncle.
I never won anything like that myself … but I did win a box of colored modeling clay once, and I fashioned a replica of the Planet Earth from it and populated it with mites. I then hung the Earth model from a string near my bathroom door until the mites destroyed the whole thing during a war.